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How to End Your Podcast Transcript
Hero Bloopers
One, two, one, two, hup hup HUP!
[singing] Let’s get this show on the road!
[Title music: slow, bluesy jazz.]
H.R. Owen
Monstrous Agonies presents, How to End Your Podcast: An Advanced Guide, Told Through the Medium of Bloopers
[The music fades out.]
H.R. Owen
In the time since your podcast began, you’ve no doubt become a dab hand at navigating the unique challenges that this medium presents and are able to perform your deftly-written scripts with professionalism and aplomb.
Hero Bloopers
[singing to a conga rhythm] Let’s go eat some landlords! Let’s go eat some landlords!
Firstly- [mouth squelching sounds]
I have been accused, both in the way of good-natured cheesing- Cheesing. [laughing] Good-natured cheesing! [snort laugh]
[gargling]
But you can grow out a mullet- A moo-let? [in a bad French accent] A mullet. Ough. I am a leetle French lesbian, I ’ave a moulet.
I don’t want to dismuh- Dish-muh. [flubbering]
Imagine if we were… [in a Northern Irish accent] consistent in our voices? [growling, closer to the mic] Imagine.
[high pitched] Rah! Rah! Rrrah!
Not suitable for customers with ethereal intolerances. [sighs] Ooh, ethereal intolerances. [in a silly, trilling voice] Ethereal intolerances!
[growling, groaning sounds]
[a high-pitched false sneeze]
[flubbering sounds]
Episode Twenty Three of Mo- Eighty three, not twenty three. Holy [bleep]
A glamour, or an amulet of obsfu- obfus-Why did I put the word [close to the mic] “obfuscation” into my podpcast? [on an inhale] Why did I do that?
Sometimes I forget what the line is, even when I’m looking at it. [whispering] I’m terribly, terribly clever…
[groaning]
Mysterious scrimssss- [whistling, hissing sounds] Oh we’re off to a great start here!
Bio-Vac: it can really suck! Proud member- [bursts out laughing]
[with some squelching sounds] Simply built that way as an individual. I felt the squelch in that. I felt it in my tongue. I felt the squelch in that. Editing won’t be fun.
You can’t see, but I did some very good physical acting during that. [sniffs and sighs] I’m wasted! I’m wasted on you all!
H.R. Owen
But be warned – complacency can lead to mistakes. Don’t let your familiarity with the format lull you into losing focus.
Hero Bloopers
[in a deep voice] Hello, friends, Hero here. We’re due a short break here at Monstrous HQ- That’s, uh. That’s the Presenter’s voice. [laughs. Then, in normal voice] That’s not how I talk!
[as the Presenter] Tonight’s first letter asks what to do be do- What to be do! [laughs] Well, listener, have you tried to be do-be-do?
Proud members of the Night vote- [spluttering and flubbering]
The Nightfolk Network, on one point one point- One point- [bleep]ing hell. How many times have I said that? Really ought to know it by now.
It’s not just dogs that are behaving strangely either. [lip smacking] It’s- It’s podcasters, refusing to take a drink even though their mouth [dramatically] is as dry as the Sahara!
Our first letter this evening- Fluh! [breathy and lisping] This evening! Our first letter this evening comes from a listener…!
Brought to by c- [hoarse groaning]
Our second letter tonight asks how to handle andun- [Hero mimics a guitar riff] How to handle this [American accent] sick guitar! It’s a mouth guitar!
Brought to you by a rather tired goose. [hoarse honking]
H.R. Owen
This is especially true for recurring characters. Your fans deserve the best performance you can give them as you bring their favourite characters to the end of their story.
Hero Bloopers
(all in the Presenter’s voice unless otherwise stated)
[a long groan that lowers in pitch as it goes] My next character’s going to have a normal voice. [laughs] Not doing this [bleep] for another three seasons! [laughs]
[croaky] Oh, listener- Oh, mother[bleep]! [laughs]
[Hero hums deeply, then continues singing in an improvised tune] You’d think after all this time, I’d be able to do this character’s voice!
Mab! Come in here! Get in here, you little slut! [laughs]
Instead of judging them by the failings and foibles revealed by your demonic nature. Foible’s a funny word, isn’t it? I wonder where that came from.
[voice breaking slightly] Rest assured, listener- Mm! Ooh, no, where are you? Hello? Presenter? [knocking sounds] Are you in there? Open up. This is the kiss police. [kissing sounds, and laughing]
Flames licking green around- [Hero’s voice breaks. When they try to pitch their voice lower, they instead break off into makeshift a cappella dubstep before sniffing and clearing their throat] That’s enough of that.
My throat is absolutely [bleep]ed.
H.R. Owen
Speaking of fans, be sure to thank your listeners for their support over the course of the show. You wouldn’t have got far without them, after all!
Hero Bloopers
Tonight’s first letter came from Ghosty Goose [breaks out laughing] Ooh, Orbworb! You’ve got a- You’ve got a competitor! [giggling] Ghosty Goose! [laughing] Ooh, I liked that.
Tonight’s first letter was submitted by [weakly] Soupdaboop! [giggling]
Hello and welcome to our latest supporter on Patreon, Rage McMuffin. Join them at Pa- [laughs]
Tonight’s first letter came from [laughing] Ghosty Goose! [more laughter and snorting. Then, weakly] It’s good!
[as the Presenter] Listener, get out of that house immediately and phone National Gas Emergency- [bursts out laughing. The laughing goes on for a long time] It’s funny! Oh, it is funny. Good job, Art. Good job. You got me again.
H.R. Owen
And of course, where would you be without the talented, professional voice actors who have lent their skills to your creative endeavours?
Elizabeth Plant
I’m ready! I’m ready. I’m ready. I’m not ready. [sobbing]
Sophie B.
Room tone, room tone. [typing sounds] Room tones.
Hero Blooper
The soothing tones of the room.
Sophie B.
[with traffic in the background] The soothing tones… [Hero laughs] ...of my single line in Season Three.
Hero Blooper
Oh my God…
Dom Guilfoyle
And your prissy station manisma- Manisma.
Elizabeth Plant
Don’t look at me. If I was going to put a spell on them it would be [flubbering]
Dom Guilfoyle
No, that’s a weird way of saying that, hold on.
Sophie B.
[lamenting] There’s so many cars! We’re a tiny village, where are they all going?!
Dom Guilfoyle
Just leaving all this in. I’m sure you’d appreciate having some, uh. Some outtake material.
Elizabeth Plant
Something about the record- Ummmm. Nope.
Dom Guilfoyle
You can also get in touch through our Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, LinkedIn, Mastodon, FetLife, Snapchat, MySpace, Reddit, Runescape, Pinterest, Twitch, day- [bleep]! So close.
There’s a pair of- Oh, [bleep]. Google time. Jesus. Trying to trip me up with the bloody French are you, Hero?
Elizabeth Plant
[breathing strangely throughout] Oh, gosh, what a… Uh, delightful collec- [normally] Nope, absolutely not. No, we’re not doing this. [laughs]
Dom Guilfoyle
[rhythmic spluttering]
Elizabeth Plant
What else? Apoca- [flubbering] Oh my God, I forgot how to read. Apocacorp.
Dom Guilfoyle
I’ve just now realised, I should have given this guy a South African accent so he was an Elon Musk. Can- Can we- Can we edit that? Hero? Do you think we can edit that in? It’s… Yes, hold on, let me, let me- Let’s see… [in a South African accent] You have got to be kidding me! The bloody walls are talking now! [normally] Yeah, I think that’s perfect, that’s… Yeah. Saffer CEO. Here we go.
Elizabeth Plant
I sound like a drunk aunt at a wedding and I’m kind of here for it.
H.R. Owen
This appreciation goes double, of course, for those voice actors who not only offered their voices, but their improv skills, to the process.
Dom Guilfoyle
If you don’t learn to bite your tongue, I will take that tongue and twist it into a little dog-shaped balloon animal thing!
I’ll take you by the hand and have a really nice time on the river, in a little paddle-boat shaped like a swan!
Sophie B.
OK, uh. I’ve got some time to fill now. Here are my list of top three baths I’ve ever taken in my life, and I’m going to tell you now, listeners – this one is not going to make that list.
Dom Guilfoyle
This is defamation, this is slander, this is defa-slander and flandermation, this- I- I- I will not-! You-!
Sophie B.
I know not only the names that they choose to go by in public, but their one true Jellicle names. [Hero snorts with laughter in the background] So- Oh, Hero! [laughter]
Dom Guilfoyle
You people are pathetic. You’re old news, you’re old media, you’re nothing. You’re [bleep]ed in the head! You’re stupid, you’re silly billies, you’re playing silly buggers with me and my business!
Let me know if you’d like that a little more vulgar. I know you hired an Australian for a reason and it wasn’t for our politeness and lack of swearing. Other than that I hope that that’s good, let me know, xoxo Gossip Girl.
Oh, stuff your bloody lanyard up your bum.
Lovely. Yeah, that’s all. Alright. Kisses. Bye!
H.R. Owen
As your podcast reaches its end, it’s quite natural to reflect on how your work has grown and changed over time. You may even find your voice itself is rather different than it used to be.
Hero Bloopers
Monstrous Agonies. Episode Ninety Five. Oh, my voice has definitely changed I think! Oooh, I’m getting that [silly voice] T-boy swag!
[voice breaking] Thanks- Mm! Guh. [mimicking a breaking voice] Thanks for listening.
A tiny, fragile city, full of- Ooh, my goodness my voice is deep! Hello-o-o, testostero-o-one! [laughs. Then, camply] Oh, I’m so manly! [laughs]
H.R. Owen
It’s almost time to say goodbye. Give yourself a well-earned pat on the back, and be satisfied that if nothing else, at least you had fun.
Hero Bloopers
Fire on the base!
Pew, pew! There I am. [singing to an improvised tune] Mother[bleep]er here I am again na-na-na-na-nah!
[singing the opening of the guitar solo from The Clash’s cover of I Fought the Law in a high-pitched, grating voice]
[slightly muffled] Hey gays! You’re gonna cry at this one! [laugh evilly]
[singing MMMBop by Hansen in increasingly unpleasant, tuneless grunts]
Aw, poor baby. [baby voice] Poor baby! Is OK! Gonna get some good advice. Gonna go, [deep baby voice] Oh, baby! Oh, who’s a baby? [laughs]
[singing to the tune of the Spiderman theme] Spiderman, Spiderman, feels whatever a spider can.
It’s a little weird one. I like it.
[in an American accent] Sweetly embracing Katabasian Mason as he’s racin’ to the station, uncharacteristically self-effacin’. [normally] Hey, Silt Verses, gimme a job. [growling] Gimme job! Gimme a job! [singing] I wanna be a crab queen, I wanna be a crab lord, I wanna be a cool crab guy! Snip snip! [deep voice] Crab, be upon you!
[singing to the tune of the Spiderman theme] Manspider, Manspider, feels whatever a man does.
[silly voice] Ooh I’m just a little monster really.
[singing to the tune of Vicar in a Tutu by The Smiths] Vicar in a tutu is not strange, he’s just a racist and he’s also gay.
Just to interrupt but I, uh- I don’t know if this’ll work but I want to play the voice note that I just got from my friend Jeebs:
[a tinny phone recording of an American voice speaking] “Can you imagine a vampire like, you know, like, pulling back their lip to show you their fangs, and then just like, freakishly pulling it back even farther so that you can see like, the back of their molars, and they’re these like, dog-like teeth designed for like, crushing open skeleton bones and sucking the marrow out of them? [delighted] Urgh!”
[Hero laughs, and mimics the ‘urgh’ sound, laughing some more]
H.R. Owen
And just like that, your podcast is finally over. Time to give it the send-off it deserves, set your sights on the horizon, and get ready for whatever comes next.
Hero Blooper
It better be good, I’m not doing it again.
[Title music: slow, bluesy jazz. It plays throughout the closing credits.]
H.R. Owen
How to End Your Podcast was written and performed by H.R. Owen, and featured the voices of H.R. Owen, Elizabeth Plant, Dom Guilfoyle and Sophie B.
Hello and welcome to our latest supporter on Patreon, Amanda. Join them at patreon.com/monstrousagonies or make a one-off donation at ko-fi.com/hrowen. You can also support the show by sharing with your friends and familiars and following us on Tumblr @MonstrousAgonies and on Twitter @Monstrous_Pod.
This podcast is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License. The theme tune is Dakota by Unheard Music Concepts.
Thanks for listening, and remember–
Hero Bloopers
Ooh. Ooh, the real monsters! Are people who do little farts in their recording booths! Oh, no!
Good job, everyone. Let’s hit the showers!
--END TRANSCRIPT--