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  • Writer's pictureH.R. Owen


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[Background music – Dakota by Unheard Music Concepts, slow bluesy jazz. A series of voices, clipped from longer recordings, speak in turn.]

The Letter-Writers

I hope it's alright for me to write to you -- Me and my friend have known each other since uni -- My family's a bit complicated -- I've got this one cousin -- is an obligate carnivore -- situation is being complicated by her thrall -- My girlfriend is from a different genus to me -- I say 'no neighbours' – there is one -- I've got lots of friends who are creatures -- which Muppet is the sexiest -- And I wish I could tell you I didn't see the mushrooms until it was too late -- but I'm so lonely -- Time's a bit... weird here -- rubbing themselves clean, their arms, their face, wiping over every part of themselves -- My cabbages! -- I kissed her under oceans, among the stars -- Yuck! -- And before you know it, it's stop drop and roll in the middle of the foyer -- cold, emotionless eyes -- There's no sugar-coating it. I died -- You can imagine that it's a bit of a sore spot for me -- too bloody weird -- I don't want to hurt my friend -- I don't want to get the council involved -- How can make amends to her -- How do I close this distance between us -- Is there any salvaging this situation -- How do I stop feeling like this -- I'm at my wit's end. But isn't there anything I can do -- What can I do -- What should I do -- Please help!

H.R. Owen

Monstrous Agonies. Weekly advice for creatures of the night. New episodes every Thursday. Listen online at, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Music fades to silence]


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